WEBVTT - This file has cues. 00:00:01.800 --> 00:00:06.120 Hey, how are you? And if you say, fine, I'm gonna 00:00:06.120 --> 00:00:09.930 assume you mean, like, the acronym. Freaked out, insecure, neurotic, 00:00:09.930 --> 00:00:12.270 and emotional. That was doing the rounds when I 00:00:12.270 --> 00:00:14.820 was a kid. Back then, I would laugh because 00:00:14.910 --> 00:00:17.850 it sounds silly. Now that I'm in my 40s, 00:00:17.850 --> 00:00:22.470 I laugh because it's true. Have you heard of the term Life 00:00:22.470 --> 00:00:24.690 quake? Well, in this podcast we talk about 00:00:24.690 --> 00:00:28.350 life quakes, those unpredictable seismic shifts in time that lead to 00:00:28.350 --> 00:00:31.650 profound growth and empowerment. You can expect heartfelt 00:00:31.650 --> 00:00:34.740 conversations throughout the season that reveal the joy and 00:00:34.740 --> 00:00:40.140 discomfort of unexpected change. And I think you're going to like 00:00:40.140 --> 00:00:42.600 it here. My name is Shawn, 00:00:42.810 --> 00:00:45.210 and this is something shifted. 00:00:51.270 --> 00:00:56.430 Today's story belongs to Zoraida. My mom died when I was 33. 00:00:56.430 --> 00:01:00.050 And even then, like, 20 years later, there was still no discussion 00:01:00.050 --> 00:01:10.700 around that day. That's next. I lead a demanding lifestyle and I'm 00:01:10.700 --> 00:01:14.540 very guilty of wanting more for less. Especially when it comes to food. 00:01:14.630 --> 00:01:18.110 I want to feel like I'm eating restaurant food, but I don't want to 00:01:18.110 --> 00:01:21.320 leave my house and I really don't want to organize a babysitter. 00:01:21.350 --> 00:01:24.560 I want to try new flavors, but I also don't want to spend 00:01:24.560 --> 00:01:26.990 money on ingredients that I might never use again. 00:01:26.990 --> 00:01:31.190 And let's be honest, I don't want to eat the same thing over and over, 00:01:31.190 --> 00:01:33.740 but I really don't have time to think about what we're going to 00:01:33.740 --> 00:01:36.200 eat for dinner every night. You know what I mean? 00:01:36.440 --> 00:01:38.750 Well, you cook changed all of that for us. 00:01:38.780 --> 00:01:41.600 We choose what we want to eat. And you cook delivers all of the 00:01:41.600 --> 00:01:44.570 ingredients, perfectly portioned right to my door. 00:01:44.600 --> 00:01:47.150 No more standing in queues to weigh my fresh produce. 00:01:47.150 --> 00:01:51.020 No more impulse buys sneaking their way into my trolley. 00:01:51.050 --> 00:01:53.870 You cook is always adding new recipes to choose from, 00:01:53.870 --> 00:01:57.600 and I've even picked up some new skills thanks to those easy to follow 00:01:57.600 --> 00:02:01.560 recipe cards, and because you cook, gives you exactly what you need for 00:02:01.560 --> 00:02:06.150 each recipe. We never waste any food. You cook has been an absolute 00:02:06.150 --> 00:02:10.290 game changer for us because everything is just so simple. 00:02:10.290 --> 00:02:14.580 I love the convenience, I love the variety and the flexibility to go 00:02:14.580 --> 00:02:18.270 carb conscious meals for one week. And then when Rose folks come to 00:02:18.270 --> 00:02:21.300 stay, we might switch to fan favorites or combine the two. 00:02:21.450 --> 00:02:25.170 The hardest part is deciding which of the meal kits to order every week, 00:02:25.170 --> 00:02:27.990 because everything on the website looks amazing. 00:02:27.990 --> 00:02:32.190 Meal kits, frozen Croft's desserts, weekend boxes, lunch boxes, pizza, 00:02:32.190 --> 00:02:38.220 wine they've got it all and you can have it all to go to Ucas and use 00:02:38.220 --> 00:02:44.430 my code hash shift 50 and get a whopping 50% off your first order. 00:02:44.640 --> 00:02:49.140 That's right shifters, go get it. That's Uk'otoa. 00:02:49.140 --> 00:02:54.360 And use the code hash shift 50 at checkout, exclusive to 00:02:54.360 --> 00:02:58.130 something shifted listeners and get 50% of your first order. 00:03:05.060 --> 00:03:10.130 We'll never know exactly when our last day is, what I last meal will 00:03:10.130 --> 00:03:14.330 be, or who the last person is. We'll see the last person we speak 00:03:14.330 --> 00:03:18.920 to, the last person we touch. But for the person that does 00:03:18.920 --> 00:03:22.370 stay behind, the last time is never forgotten. 00:03:22.580 --> 00:03:27.740 My dad was working a night shift that that evening, and I went to 00:03:27.740 --> 00:03:31.160 his room and he was lying. He was sitting up in bed and he 00:03:31.160 --> 00:03:34.280 had these chest pains and he was groaning. 00:03:34.400 --> 00:03:37.460 Zoraida was the last person to see her dad alive. 00:03:37.760 --> 00:03:39.890 She was the last person to speak to him. 00:03:40.460 --> 00:03:42.800 She was also the last person to comfort him. 00:03:43.940 --> 00:03:47.570 And as a teenager, she was in conflict with her mom. 00:03:48.200 --> 00:03:51.620 And I said to him, you know, come get up. Dad. 00:03:51.620 --> 00:03:55.290 And I could tell that something was wrong, but I didn't call for. 00:03:55.290 --> 00:03:58.830 I didn't call for my mom. Um, and then I just sat with him. 00:03:58.830 --> 00:04:01.110 I think I was rubbing his back or touching his back, 00:04:01.110 --> 00:04:04.080 and then he just toppled over in front of me and was dead. 00:04:04.080 --> 00:04:07.320 And then I started screaming. I vividly remember getting onto 00:04:07.320 --> 00:04:12.300 the bed and just jumping up and down like screaming, and it felt 00:04:12.300 --> 00:04:17.490 like it took the longest time for my mom to actually come upstairs. 00:04:18.420 --> 00:04:22.020 I don't know why they took that long, but they took a really long time. 00:04:22.020 --> 00:04:25.950 And, um, you know, they tried to give him mouth to mouth and I just, 00:04:25.950 --> 00:04:29.280 I then head away. I remember hiding away. 00:04:29.280 --> 00:04:32.220 It was still those days where the doctors would come to your home. 00:04:32.220 --> 00:04:36.360 And so a doctor came to our home, and he just walked down the stairs, 00:04:36.360 --> 00:04:40.830 and he looked at me and he shook his head, and I guess that was 00:04:40.830 --> 00:04:48.330 he's dead. Um, yeah. The next morning, rising to her feet 00:04:48.330 --> 00:04:54.280 filled with grief and confusion, Feelings of indescribable loss. 00:04:54.730 --> 00:04:59.020 Zoraida polished her school shoes and headed off to class. 00:04:59.410 --> 00:05:01.990 No one said to me, Zoraida, would you like to stay home? 00:05:02.170 --> 00:05:05.290 There was no. What was that like? There was no therapy. 00:05:05.290 --> 00:05:08.560 I was alone with my dad when he died. No one spoke to me about it. 00:05:08.830 --> 00:05:13.060 It was certainly my first entry into the feeling of abandonment and 00:05:13.060 --> 00:05:18.430 profound loss, and also the start to my hypervigilance, my hyper 00:05:18.430 --> 00:05:22.360 independence, my hyper burnout. You know, I don't come from a 00:05:22.360 --> 00:05:25.810 family that communicated. There was no processing that 00:05:25.810 --> 00:05:28.960 happened when you passed away. And my dad, my dad was Muslim. 00:05:28.960 --> 00:05:31.270 And Muslim people get buried, you know, 00:05:31.270 --> 00:05:36.370 kind of immediately when they die. My dad died on the 22nd of March and 00:05:36.370 --> 00:05:40.420 was buried on the 22nd of March, and I went to school the next day. 00:05:40.810 --> 00:05:44.110 There is an undeniable shift in the way you see the world when you watch 00:05:44.110 --> 00:05:47.470 a loved one take their last breath. And when you're dealing with regular 00:05:47.470 --> 00:05:51.780 teenage feelings of insecurity, peer pressure and pimples. 00:05:51.810 --> 00:05:55.380 Your brain is trying its utmost to make sense of the trauma, 00:05:55.380 --> 00:06:01.170 the only way it knows how. And so all this coping led to a 00:06:01.170 --> 00:06:04.920 lot of dysfunctional behavior. And when I say dysfunctional, 00:06:04.920 --> 00:06:07.950 I'm not talking about sex, drugs and rock and roll. 00:06:07.950 --> 00:06:11.700 I'm talking about just coping and trying to achieve more and more and 00:06:11.700 --> 00:06:15.960 more and becoming hyper independent, because I was so scared that no 00:06:15.960 --> 00:06:17.550 one was going to be able to take care of me. 00:06:17.550 --> 00:06:19.620 So I had to make sure that I could take care of myself. 00:06:19.620 --> 00:06:22.110 My mom didn't say to me, he's a writer, we've got no money. 00:06:22.110 --> 00:06:24.900 I mean, my mom didn't work, but my dad certainly didn't 00:06:24.900 --> 00:06:28.140 leave you no money. My sister's 12 years older than me, 00:06:28.140 --> 00:06:29.640 and so she'd been working at the time. 00:06:29.640 --> 00:06:31.230 So she definitely helped us financially. 00:06:31.230 --> 00:06:33.750 But no one put pressure on me to go out and work. 00:06:33.750 --> 00:06:37.410 No one put pressure on me to achieve. I did that to myself. 00:06:37.620 --> 00:06:44.640 So my dad's loss was my what? I made sense of what abandonment was, 00:06:45.000 --> 00:06:47.550 and that was because no one spoke to me. 00:06:47.550 --> 00:06:50.420 No one spoke to me or helped me process stuff. 00:06:50.420 --> 00:06:53.930 I mean, the fact that I went into broadcasting is no surprise. 00:06:53.930 --> 00:06:59.330 I've always been a communicator and, um, I've always loved and enjoyed and 00:06:59.330 --> 00:07:02.180 celebrated speaking about feelings. And I would speak to my mum 00:07:02.180 --> 00:07:06.650 about my feelings all the time, and she inevitably would make fun 00:07:06.650 --> 00:07:11.030 of me, and so would my aunts. In fact, that very day, the reason 00:07:11.030 --> 00:07:14.090 I went upstairs to go and be with my dad is because I was trying to 00:07:14.090 --> 00:07:17.450 speak to my mum about something and she wouldn't listen to me. 00:07:17.450 --> 00:07:20.000 And so I walked away and my aunt actually said, oh, 00:07:20.000 --> 00:07:22.850 she's going to go and write a letter, because that's what I used to do. 00:07:22.850 --> 00:07:26.000 I used to write letters, you know, when I, when I didn't feel heard. 00:07:26.000 --> 00:07:28.790 And then I went upstairs to my dad and that's when all of that happened. 00:07:28.790 --> 00:07:31.850 But I used to write letters to my mum all the time because I 00:07:31.850 --> 00:07:37.370 just did not feel heard. Grief has a way of forcing us into 00:07:37.370 --> 00:07:41.870 places and spaces we don't normally choose to go, a landscape that 00:07:41.870 --> 00:07:46.650 we never intended to visit and one that doesn't offer a break. 00:07:47.070 --> 00:07:51.390 It's kind of like walking into a dense forest on the outskirts. 00:07:51.390 --> 00:07:54.990 You can almost see some familiar paths of your old life, 00:07:54.990 --> 00:07:59.580 with friends and loved ones standing there at the edge, peeking in. 00:07:59.940 --> 00:08:04.110 There's a part of the wilderness that is yours to navigate alone. 00:08:04.890 --> 00:08:10.500 This universal journey is distinctly different for each 00:08:10.500 --> 00:08:14.490 individual who walks it. I've stumbled through this forest a 00:08:14.490 --> 00:08:19.470 few times, but not the kind of forest that Zoraida has journeyed through. 00:08:19.560 --> 00:08:23.790 I think much of my teenage years and 20s were spent in fight or 00:08:23.790 --> 00:08:26.550 flight mode. It was spent in just trying to cope, 00:08:26.550 --> 00:08:29.910 trying to keep my head above water. I found a part time job when I 00:08:29.910 --> 00:08:32.940 was 13 years old. By the time I was in matric, 00:08:32.940 --> 00:08:35.580 I was paying for my own school fees for my own uniform. 00:08:35.580 --> 00:08:39.900 And then when I was 27 years old, I was at 5 a.m. and I had just 00:08:39.900 --> 00:08:43.380 finished Strictly Come Dancing at one one, that reality TV show. 00:08:43.530 --> 00:08:47.170 I was so burnt out. I woke up one morning and I had 00:08:47.170 --> 00:08:49.120 a complete bald patch in the front of my head. 00:08:49.150 --> 00:08:52.150 I had alopecia areata and the doctor said to me, 00:08:52.150 --> 00:08:56.140 you are completely stressed out. And it had been like so many years. 00:08:56.140 --> 00:08:59.620 I resigned from five of em. I was one of the first people to 00:08:59.620 --> 00:09:01.210 resign. I mean, you know, in radio, 00:09:01.210 --> 00:09:03.580 no one ever resigns. You either get fired or your 00:09:03.580 --> 00:09:06.880 contract doesn't get renewed. I resigned, and Josh and I went to 00:09:06.880 --> 00:09:09.910 America on a five year sabbatical, and it was one of the biggest, 00:09:09.910 --> 00:09:11.980 most beautiful gifts we could have given to ourselves. 00:09:11.980 --> 00:09:15.250 But yeah, that was a huge shift in my life. 00:09:21.490 --> 00:09:24.670 No matter the time of day, there was always a radio on in 00:09:24.670 --> 00:09:28.630 the home Zoraida grew up in, from John Burke on 702 to 00:09:28.630 --> 00:09:33.520 Christiane Amanpour on CNN. Journalism and storytelling is what 00:09:33.520 --> 00:09:38.110 drew, Zoraida to broadcasting. And that at the time wasn't 00:09:38.110 --> 00:09:41.890 linked to fame and fortune. So it really was an honest 00:09:41.890 --> 00:09:44.340 attraction, using my voice to speak to lots of people. 00:09:44.340 --> 00:09:46.650 And I also know psychologically where it comes from. 00:09:46.680 --> 00:09:49.560 I saw it as something that I really wanted to do and a job. 00:09:49.830 --> 00:09:53.100 When I came down to Cape Town and I auditioned at good Hope FM, 00:09:53.100 --> 00:09:57.360 I was working three other jobs whilst training at good Hope FM, 00:09:57.360 --> 00:10:01.260 um, and then went to five FM. And so and here's the interesting 00:10:01.260 --> 00:10:08.190 thing is that I was celebrated by the South African community, but I wasn't 00:10:08.190 --> 00:10:11.790 really celebrated by my family. So my mum never, ever made a big 00:10:11.790 --> 00:10:14.520 deal out of what I was doing. And nor did my sister. 00:10:14.520 --> 00:10:17.880 Like they never went, oh my gosh, I can't believe you're a radio 00:10:17.880 --> 00:10:21.210 DJ or I can't believe you're on five FM or can't believe you're 00:10:21.210 --> 00:10:25.350 on TV like my mum. Never ever, ever ever spoke 00:10:25.350 --> 00:10:30.600 about what I did. Never. So there was I in many ways, 00:10:30.600 --> 00:10:34.380 just felt like I was doing a job that I enjoyed very much. 00:10:34.380 --> 00:10:38.550 And so when I went overseas, I've been doing some work for top billing. 00:10:38.550 --> 00:10:41.960 I used to do their movie and music junkets in the States, but I also 00:10:41.960 --> 00:10:44.990 became a waitress, so I was a waitress at the Chateau Marmont. 00:10:45.020 --> 00:10:49.760 The one of the hotels in Los Angeles. And I would have moments where I 00:10:49.760 --> 00:10:53.270 would go to the Four Seasons Hotel to get an interview. 00:10:53.300 --> 00:10:57.650 Keanu Reeves or Ryan Gosling or, you know, any one of those figures, 00:10:57.650 --> 00:10:59.510 the Rock. And then that night, 00:10:59.510 --> 00:11:02.390 I'd see them at a catering function at the Chateau Marmont. 00:11:02.390 --> 00:11:05.300 So I would go from, you know, being all glammed up as a 00:11:05.300 --> 00:11:07.610 so-called journalist. And then that evening I'd be 00:11:07.610 --> 00:11:10.340 their waitress. So I didn't ever feel, 00:11:10.520 --> 00:11:14.360 I don't know if importance the right word or celebrate as the right word, 00:11:14.360 --> 00:11:18.830 but I didn't feel special. Let me just remind you that 00:11:18.830 --> 00:11:22.100 Zoraida made media history as the first female to host a 00:11:22.100 --> 00:11:26.180 daytime slot on five FM. She also hosted the reality TV show 00:11:26.180 --> 00:11:30.770 Big Brother and won the very first season of Strictly Come Dancing SA. 00:11:31.310 --> 00:11:34.580 So while her family may not have celebrated her achievements with her, 00:11:34.610 --> 00:11:37.880 the South African public were paying very close attention. 00:11:37.880 --> 00:11:40.530 There were times when I would feel like an object. 00:11:40.890 --> 00:11:43.230 You know, like you walk through a shopping center and then 00:11:43.230 --> 00:11:46.500 people are talking about you. And I remember hating that feeling 00:11:46.500 --> 00:11:49.170 like, why don't you just come up to me and say hello? Don't. I'm not. 00:11:49.290 --> 00:11:52.830 I'm not a vase, you know, like, speak to me. Mhm. 00:11:53.160 --> 00:11:56.850 And so that's always and in fact today it still doesn't sit well 00:11:56.850 --> 00:11:59.130 with me. If I walk past a group of people 00:11:59.130 --> 00:12:01.620 and they talk about me I get really uncomfortable. 00:12:01.620 --> 00:12:04.800 I'm like, if you acknowledge me like come and say hello. 00:12:04.800 --> 00:12:08.820 Like let's talk, say hello. I've often wondered how someone 00:12:08.820 --> 00:12:12.420 that is really well known feels about the fame that they've 00:12:12.420 --> 00:12:15.540 acquired and endured his case. We know that she wanted to 00:12:15.540 --> 00:12:18.060 follow in the footsteps of established journalists. 00:12:18.060 --> 00:12:22.620 That's why she got into broadcasting. So when the public who have watched 00:12:22.620 --> 00:12:27.270 you on TV and heard you on the radio, seeing you in magazines for years, 00:12:27.270 --> 00:12:30.810 when they have developed a picture of who you are and what you're about, 00:12:30.810 --> 00:12:34.230 how will they react when you emerge from the other side of 00:12:34.230 --> 00:12:39.940 this dense grief forest changed and ready to pursue a new dream. 00:12:40.330 --> 00:12:46.990 What I do know is that when I wanted to shift into health and wellness, 00:12:46.990 --> 00:12:51.730 I was so scared that I wouldn't be taken seriously by the South 00:12:51.730 --> 00:12:53.950 African community. I was so scared that they were 00:12:53.950 --> 00:12:56.890 going to go, oh, who does she think she is to go from being a 00:12:56.890 --> 00:13:00.520 radio DJ or television host, you know, wanting to tell us now 00:13:00.520 --> 00:13:03.700 how we should breathe or how we should think or feel or act. 00:13:03.700 --> 00:13:07.690 And so getting a degree was, you know, was twofold. 00:13:07.690 --> 00:13:10.330 First of all, I came from an uneducated family. 00:13:10.330 --> 00:13:12.460 You know, both my parents hadn't finished school. 00:13:12.760 --> 00:13:16.780 Um, I didn't have, you know, good marks when I was in school. 00:13:16.780 --> 00:13:19.540 And and even if I did, we certainly didn't have the 00:13:19.540 --> 00:13:23.050 funds for me to go to university. So there was a longing for 00:13:23.050 --> 00:13:26.680 formal education. And so I applied at Wits 00:13:26.680 --> 00:13:30.520 University to study psychology. And I, you know, 00:13:30.520 --> 00:13:34.420 I became a full time student. I was 40 years old with 18 year old, 00:13:34.420 --> 00:13:38.220 19 year old students, and I wanted to break that generational narrative 00:13:38.220 --> 00:13:42.990 of my family not being educated and no one having a degree to me, 00:13:42.990 --> 00:13:46.890 breaking that cycle. Um, and I'm now embarking on my PhD. 00:13:46.920 --> 00:13:49.350 I haven't stopped studying for the last ten years. 00:13:49.380 --> 00:13:53.970 At first, it became about having to get the credential so that I, 00:13:53.970 --> 00:13:58.020 you know, am taken seriously. And now it's more about my love 00:13:58.020 --> 00:14:00.510 of learning. I mean, if you if you had said to 00:14:00.510 --> 00:14:04.950 me ten years ago, you're going to love academia and research and data, 00:14:04.950 --> 00:14:08.850 I'd be like, no, the wrong person. And yet here I am, you know? 00:14:11.790 --> 00:14:15.120 If you'd like more of that kind of motivation and inspiration, 00:14:15.120 --> 00:14:19.080 you might like my mailing list three, two, one shift. 00:14:19.080 --> 00:14:21.810 And if you're even the tiny bit curious and want to see how the 00:14:21.810 --> 00:14:25.770 podcast is made, find me on Instagram at Sean Lewis. 00:14:29.280 --> 00:14:35.480 What does it take to break free of Societal norms, do you think? 00:14:35.840 --> 00:14:39.080 I think the fact that we want to break free means that we are in a bit 00:14:39.080 --> 00:14:43.280 of a mess. And so what does it take? It takes turning your mess into 00:14:43.280 --> 00:14:48.020 your life message. We are not inspired by people 00:14:48.020 --> 00:14:51.950 that have it all together. I did a talk and a breathwork 00:14:51.950 --> 00:14:55.820 session and this lady, two minutes into my breathwork 00:14:55.820 --> 00:14:59.510 session, she had a breakthrough. It was just her getting still 00:14:59.510 --> 00:15:02.690 that allowed a lot of emotions to come up because we often, 00:15:02.690 --> 00:15:05.990 like me up until my 20s, was just doing stuff to cope, cope, cope. 00:15:06.140 --> 00:15:08.960 And when you give yourself permission to be still, 00:15:08.960 --> 00:15:13.370 so much comes up for you. And in the two minutes that she gave 00:15:13.370 --> 00:15:17.120 herself the gift of being still, she just had a breakthrough and 00:15:17.120 --> 00:15:20.030 started crying. And she said to me afterwards, 00:15:20.030 --> 00:15:23.570 I'm so embarrassed that that happened because, you know, I've got my my 00:15:23.570 --> 00:15:26.630 staff around me and I didn't want them to see me in that position. 00:15:26.630 --> 00:15:28.370 And they look at me for strength and blah, blah. 00:15:28.370 --> 00:15:31.770 And I just said to her, do you even realise how powerful 00:15:31.770 --> 00:15:35.550 that moment was for your staff. They don't want to see you as 00:15:35.550 --> 00:15:39.390 someone that has it all together. They want to see their leader as 00:15:39.390 --> 00:15:42.600 someone that is human, and we need more of that. 00:15:43.050 --> 00:15:48.270 You can't go within if you don't get quiet. 00:15:48.300 --> 00:15:52.290 You can't because our brains are working all the time and they 00:15:52.290 --> 00:15:55.260 are functioning and taking up energy in this moment. 00:15:55.260 --> 00:15:59.520 There's so much that's happening. But if we shut our eyes and we just 00:15:59.520 --> 00:16:01.950 go within, we're going to have a totally different experience. 00:16:02.460 --> 00:16:06.060 You have to give you you have to give yourself permission to do that. 00:16:06.330 --> 00:16:11.490 And daily it's it's vital we're all going through things that people, 00:16:11.490 --> 00:16:14.550 other people can't see. And if we don't take the moments 00:16:14.550 --> 00:16:18.540 to be okay, eventually I think we will turn to 00:16:18.540 --> 00:16:22.500 dysfunctional behavioral habits that will inevitably not serve us. 00:16:22.500 --> 00:16:26.940 And so taking those moments to be alone, to give yourself permission. 00:16:27.180 --> 00:16:32.380 It starts with you. The path you follow in a grief 00:16:32.380 --> 00:16:37.330 forest is often overgrown by thick underbrush and towering trees. 00:16:37.360 --> 00:16:40.300 At first, the weight of sorrow feels suffocating, as if the 00:16:40.300 --> 00:16:45.520 branches are closing in around you. Each step forward seems almost 00:16:45.520 --> 00:16:48.550 pointless, with memories fading in and out, 00:16:48.550 --> 00:16:53.260 reminding you of what you lost. You may stumble and fall into 00:16:53.260 --> 00:16:56.440 clearings where the sunlight breaks through the canopy above. 00:16:56.650 --> 00:17:01.930 In these spaces, when you're on your knees, you start to see the beauty 00:17:01.930 --> 00:17:06.550 that remains even in the pain and getting back to your feet just as 00:17:06.550 --> 00:17:09.910 quickly as the clearing appeared. It disappears behind you, 00:17:09.910 --> 00:17:14.470 and the journey continues with its twists and turns sometimes 00:17:14.470 --> 00:17:19.330 leading to even darker paths. The forest teaches us that this thing 00:17:19.330 --> 00:17:24.460 called grief is not a linear path, but a much more complex and vast 00:17:24.460 --> 00:17:30.240 tapestry of emotions each phase. Be it sorrow, anger, or acceptance, 00:17:30.240 --> 00:17:34.290 contributes to your growth. Wade through the forest long enough. 00:17:34.410 --> 00:17:38.400 Sit still long enough. Giving yourself permission to 00:17:38.400 --> 00:17:41.250 grieve deeply. Helps you develop a better sense 00:17:41.250 --> 00:17:45.240 of yourself. We've got to stop attaching what 00:17:45.240 --> 00:17:49.020 we do to who we are because it is so detrimental. 00:17:49.020 --> 00:17:52.590 Like, who are you without being the DJ? Who are you without the degree? 00:17:52.590 --> 00:17:56.100 Who are you without being a mother? Like all these things that, you know, 00:17:56.100 --> 00:18:00.120 we put as titles on our on our profiles, you know, because that's 00:18:00.120 --> 00:18:03.570 really who you are, you know. And those titles can be taken 00:18:03.570 --> 00:18:08.730 away in a nanosecond. And so it's, it's I really feel 00:18:08.730 --> 00:18:11.130 that a lot of this pressure, you know, the pressure that we talk 00:18:11.130 --> 00:18:15.780 about right now comes from us. I think we put it on ourselves first. 00:18:16.350 --> 00:18:18.750 We really do. I don't think it comes from 00:18:18.750 --> 00:18:21.870 other people. You know, I love the saying we 00:18:21.870 --> 00:18:24.480 don't see people as people are. We see people as we are. 00:18:24.600 --> 00:18:27.760 So this pressure is stuff that we putting on ourselves. 00:18:27.760 --> 00:18:31.120 And you don't have to be one thing for the rest of your life. 00:18:31.120 --> 00:18:36.730 You can change at any time and you're here once no one gets out alive. 00:18:36.730 --> 00:18:39.730 So do your thing. Change, shift, pivot. 00:18:39.730 --> 00:18:42.220 You know you don't have to stick to your lane. 00:18:42.940 --> 00:18:46.420 Zoraida was 13 years old when her dad died of a heart attack. 00:18:46.960 --> 00:18:51.190 Growing up in a household that didn't communicate or share feelings 00:18:51.190 --> 00:18:55.000 meant that Sarita turned inward. Her immense loss was 00:18:55.000 --> 00:18:58.540 internalized and translated into a sense of abandonment. 00:18:58.540 --> 00:19:02.830 And when you experience abandonment coupled with being othered, 00:19:02.860 --> 00:19:07.600 you quickly start believing that the only person you can rely on is you. 00:19:08.260 --> 00:19:12.970 I am a huge proponent of not being a victim. 00:19:13.390 --> 00:19:17.320 My dad's passing could easily have made me a victim, 00:19:17.320 --> 00:19:20.830 but it didn't because I chose for that not to happen. 00:19:20.830 --> 00:19:25.320 I've I've taken that cataclysmic Talismanic moment, and it's inspired 00:19:25.320 --> 00:19:27.480 me to be the best version of myself. 00:19:36.420 --> 00:19:40.530 Zoraida has two teenagers, but unlike the home that she 00:19:40.530 --> 00:19:44.760 grew up in, Zoraida speaks with her children about everything. 00:19:44.760 --> 00:19:49.080 I have a 15 year old daughter. She challenges me a lot, 00:19:49.500 --> 00:19:55.980 and she reminds me a lot of the time that I have innate 00:19:55.980 --> 00:20:01.140 behaviors of my mom coming up. Um, you know, there are certain 00:20:01.140 --> 00:20:03.930 things that we adopt through learning environments, like. 00:20:03.930 --> 00:20:08.250 So, for example, my kids, whenever I call them, their response 00:20:08.250 --> 00:20:15.330 is always, are we in trouble? And they never in trouble because 00:20:15.330 --> 00:20:18.300 we talk about everything. Just unlike my home where we 00:20:18.300 --> 00:20:21.360 spoke about nothing, in my home we talk about everything. 00:20:21.360 --> 00:20:30.440 But I have a voice that is clearly laden with trauma and pain. 00:20:30.860 --> 00:20:33.890 And when I call their names, it comes out. 00:20:34.670 --> 00:20:39.470 So she teaches me all the time to become aware that I am no 00:20:39.470 --> 00:20:43.490 longer in fighting flight mode. She teaches me that all the time. 00:20:43.490 --> 00:20:47.420 She's a wise little soul. My son is a completely different 00:20:47.420 --> 00:20:50.480 personality. You know, I have a really 00:20:50.480 --> 00:20:55.310 special bond with my son. My husband's mother really was 00:20:55.580 --> 00:20:59.420 gaga over her two sons, and I used to find it so irritating. 00:20:59.660 --> 00:21:02.060 I remember when we got married, she was like, I'm going to walk 00:21:02.060 --> 00:21:04.670 you down the aisle, Joshua. And I was like, absolutely not. 00:21:04.670 --> 00:21:07.040 That is not what a mother does with her son. 00:21:07.190 --> 00:21:09.920 And then I had my son, and the first thing I said to him was, 00:21:09.920 --> 00:21:14.270 I'm going to be walking you down the aisle. Um, yeah. 00:21:14.270 --> 00:21:19.160 My son is, uh, he's Pisces, like me. So we very much connected in that we 00:21:19.160 --> 00:21:23.910 both really, really sensitive souls. I'm very close to both my children. 00:21:23.910 --> 00:21:28.680 They very different. And, um. Uh, yeah, we've decided to keep them. 00:21:28.710 --> 00:21:35.040 Oh, good. I'm sure they're relieved. Your kids might never listen to this, 00:21:35.040 --> 00:21:39.510 but in the context of a podcast living online potentially forever, 00:21:39.510 --> 00:21:43.740 is there anything that you'd like for them to know about how you grew 00:21:43.740 --> 00:21:46.860 up and how you've developed and the mindset that you've developed? 00:21:47.370 --> 00:21:52.230 Say something about you that you hope they carry with them as they 00:21:52.230 --> 00:21:57.420 continue to get older in years and have their own families? Yeah. 00:21:58.650 --> 00:22:05.580 Wow, what a powerful question. Um. I think I'd like to say that I'm 00:22:05.580 --> 00:22:09.960 really grateful to have the kids that I do, because I speak to them 00:22:09.960 --> 00:22:13.980 very openly about where I come from, because I put a lot of where I 00:22:13.980 --> 00:22:16.830 come from onto them. And I know that sometimes it 00:22:16.830 --> 00:22:20.090 brings pressure. So, for example, I didn't have 00:22:20.090 --> 00:22:23.480 any material stuff growing up. And so when they lose something 00:22:23.480 --> 00:22:28.640 or they break something, they hear about my life story or, 00:22:28.640 --> 00:22:31.970 you know, my kids go to good schools and I didn't go to a good school. 00:22:31.970 --> 00:22:34.070 And so I throw that in there. Phase two. 00:22:34.100 --> 00:22:39.050 You know, I didn't get that. Um, and through all of that, 00:22:39.200 --> 00:22:44.390 they know like, they know that when they compare me to their father. 00:22:44.870 --> 00:22:47.540 Um, I didn't come from privilege at all. 00:22:47.540 --> 00:22:53.930 And their honor me often with that. Um, the honor me often and say, 00:22:53.930 --> 00:22:56.660 I'm sorry that that didn't happen in your family. 00:22:56.660 --> 00:23:04.550 And it's really powerful because young teenagers are not supposed 00:23:04.550 --> 00:23:06.830 to do that, and they don't usually do that. 00:23:06.830 --> 00:23:14.450 And so even though I am their parent, I feel so seen by my children. 00:23:15.980 --> 00:23:21.600 I feel I feel like I'm not their leader, that we are just all 00:23:21.600 --> 00:23:26.220 walking each other home. Mm. Wherever home may be. 00:23:26.220 --> 00:23:30.330 You know, I feel like they walk me home and I walk them home. 00:23:31.890 --> 00:23:34.650 Hand in hand. Yeah. That's a beautiful sentiment. 00:23:40.260 --> 00:23:45.030 Zoraida is an Arabic name and means one who is eloquent and 00:23:45.030 --> 00:23:50.640 holds positive qualities. Sirajuddin lives up to her name 00:23:50.640 --> 00:23:55.020 as she continues to breathe life into the best version of herself. 00:23:57.750 --> 00:24:00.390 Thank you for listening to this episode of Something Shifted. 00:24:00.390 --> 00:24:04.920 And remember to use that code hash Shift 50 at checkout when you place 00:24:04.920 --> 00:24:09.660 your first order with Uk'otoa, that's the hash symbol, 00:24:09.660 --> 00:24:16.460 followed by the word shift shift and the numerals five zero, and 00:24:16.460 --> 00:24:22.280 you'll get 50% off your first order. Go ahead and tap the three dots 00:24:22.280 --> 00:24:26.210 inside the app you're listening on, and give this show five stars on 00:24:26.210 --> 00:24:28.820 Apple Podcasts or Spotify. And when you do, 00:24:28.850 --> 00:24:33.350 you can imagine me doing a happy dance and grinning from ear to ear. 00:24:33.620 --> 00:24:36.920 Thanks so much for listening. Follow something shifted on Apple 00:24:36.920 --> 00:24:40.430 Podcasts or your favorite podcast player, and share this episode 00:24:40.430 --> 00:24:44.210 with your friends and family. You can find me on Instagram at 00:24:44.210 --> 00:24:49.070 Sean Lewis and the mailing list is 321 shift, which gives you three 00:24:49.070 --> 00:24:53.810 things for your mind two things feel buddy and one thing for your soul, 00:24:53.810 --> 00:24:57.650 plus a few little fun surprises every second Sunday. 00:24:57.680 --> 00:25:00.740 I've made it really easy and included the links in this episode. 00:25:00.740 --> 00:25:03.920 Show notes. Thanks again for believing in 00:25:03.920 --> 00:25:07.550 possibility. My name is Sean and this is something 00:25:07.550 --> 00:25:10.760 shifted. See you in two weeks. Bye.